Breaks ups and Makeups
Do you actually want to get back together?
As a site owner in the relationship business, I get lots and lots of emails from people who really want to patch things up making use of their exes. I know, I promote a product that's built to do just that, but for many individuals getting back together is not the best idea.
It's natural to wish to work things out with your ex particularly when the separation is clean. I have been there myself repeatedly! I do believe the reason we try to stop the separation is because we are afraid of change, even if we are in a bad relationship. So, before you make any attempt to make your ex take you back, sit back and consider why you want it to happen. Here are a few thoughts to get your head working:
Is it an enmeshed relationship?
This can be a expression that counselors use to describe interpersonal relationships in which one person depends completely on the other. If it is possible to not operate without your spouse and you do everything together, then you are likely in an enmeshed relationship. They are not healthy for you personally in the long run.
These types of relationships really are a bit not the same as the buddy-buddy stuff that happens when you are near to someone. Think extreme and you are on the right track. For example, if you actually don't have the courage, confidence or determination to search for a restaurant, movie or store without your ex, then it's an enmeshed relationship. You are totally influenced by the other person to do some mundane activity. Seem like it's worth getting back together? No!
Was there any kind of abuse in the relationship?
Abuse comes in many different types, but they are typical awful. If it was physical, sexual, verbal or otherwise, any kind of abuse makes for an unhealthy relationship and one which should just stop. You are better off single. The hard part is dealing with people have been in abusive relationships and convincing them that it's not their fault and their ex will not change. In these cases, I advise people get some professional help.
Have you been under 20 or is this one of your first breakups?
I get PLENTY of emails and blog comments from middle, senior high school and university students. I do not know how to say this politely: 90% of the time, they are upset and thinking about something which has no long term consequences for their lives. In many cases, I'd bet money that their ex wasn't their 'soulmate' and they'll find someone else.
The problem a lot of these younger readers have is that they are completely overcome with these feelings that they have never had to cope with before and they do not know very well what to do. I do believe the solution for pretty much all of them is to really proceed through and read this
classic post.
You can find a few other occasions when I do believe relationships aren't worth saving, like when someone was cheating or when there are serious trust problems. Maybe I will get in to those in a later article, but I do believe most people who email me for help fall into one of these simple categories.
